As a journalist, you live for “hot tips.” So imagine my delight when an anonymous informant passed along this incendiary news: Ed Anger is alive and well and living right here in Colorado Springs.
Anger, for those of you who are so deeply stuck in the morass of modern liberal thought that you’ve never heard about his bracing, common-sensical columns for the Weekly World News, is possibly America’s Most Decorated Columnist — the recipient of every major award that our profession can dole out.
And I don’t mean awards from those liberal back-patters and commie fellow-travelers like the Pulitzer Prize committee. No, we’re talking about the three-time winner of the Joe McCarthy Freedom Award, as well as the 50 Shot Clip award from the American Gun Writers Federation.
Ed retired during 1996 (although, in a typical bit of liberal treachery, the Weekly World News kept publishing his column, now written by some anonymous liberal hack). He’s been enjoying the good life, living off the royalties from his titanic 1996 bestseller, “Let’s Pave the Stupid Rainforests and Give Teachers Stun Guns!”
We caught up with Ed, who had graciously agreed to an interview, on Tuesday. He greeted us with a dollop of skepticism.
“I hope you’re not trying to make a fool out of me,” he growled, “It’s April Fools’ today, and I know newspaper people. I may be gettin’ on in years, but when I get pig-bitin’mad, watch out!”
We assured him that this was no April Fools’ joke, and asked him about the election.
“I’ll tell you,” he roared, “I’m madder than a politician with an exploding cigar! I can’t believe the Democrats want us to re-elect President Hillary Rodham! She made a mess of things for eight years, while that no-good fat boy she married chased after the help!”
So you’re a Barack Obama fan?
“He seems like a nice enough young man — but isn’t he from Hawaii?” Ed asked. “Is that part of the U.S.? Do we want Washington turned into Surf City, with ukuleles everywhere? This is serious stuff — no room for grass skirts in the White House!”
So you’re for John McCain?
“Are you kidding? He managed to wreck a multimillion-dollar plane, went AWOL for six years, came back with some cockamamie prisoner-of-war story, and never paid back a nickel!”
So we asked Ed whether he was going to sit this one out since he sees such serious flaws in all the leading candidates, or is going to write in Mike Gravel or Ron Paul?
“Don’t get me wrong, Mike and Ron are on the right track, but they don’t have the experience,” he said. “Only one man does — Dick Nixon! We need to bring back the best president of this century! They called him Tricky Dick, but he was tricky enough to keep our country on a laser-straight course to prosperity and world respect! We all had plenty of cash in our pockets, and our military scared the bejesus out of every country on the planet! I never understood that Watergate stuff — the only mistake Nixon ever made was letting Slick Willie Clinton dodge the draft!”
“But Ed,” we stammered, “President Nixon has been dead for years.”
“Grow up, boy! Read the newspapers!” he said. “Your kind of ignorance makes me madder than a dog with a face full of skunk!! We could clone Nixon in a heartbeat, pump him up with human growth hormone and have him ready for inauguration day! And if you think the Russkies and the Red Chinese haven’t figured this out already, you’re smokin’ funny cigarettes! You can bet they’re bringing back Lenin, and Stalin, and Mao and Chou En-Lai! You think Hillary, or Barack whatshisname or little Georgie Bush can deal with Joe Stalin??!! We need Nixon! And you know something? I wrote all this back in ’96, nobody paid attention and look where we are now!!”
We nodded agreement — it didn’t seem like a good idea to argue with Ed, especially with his two pit bulls, Patton and MacArthur, glaring at us. We asked him for his take on the Iraq War.
“I’m madder than an Alzheimer’s patient on Jeopardy when I think about that so-called war!!” he barked. “How can you have a war with Iraq? That’s where you go fight wars with real countries, like Monty and Rommel at El Alamein — that’s part of Iraq, by the way!! We’re the USA — when we fight, we fight real countries — Germany, Japan, the Russkies, China, the Confederates!! Little countries like Iraq, if we have a problem, we just nuke ’em — melt that desert sand and turn the place into a frozen sea of radioactive glass!! Quick, clean and cheap — and a good way to safely dispose of those aging nukes!!!”
Ed was getting agitated, so we took our leave. We couldn’t help noticing that he lives just down the street from Douglas Bruce, so we asked, in parting, whether he’d met the famous tax cutter.
“Who?” Ed asked. “I’ve heard of him — just another liberal living off a government paycheck!!”
And without a word of farewell, he slammed the door shut.
John Hazlehurst can be reached at John.Hazlehurst@csbj.com or 227-5861.