Capitalist leanings could make Springs ‘Capitol City’ USA

Filed under: Hazlehurst |

We should all be delighted/excited to note that our peerless governor, the honorable Bill Ritter (D-Colorado, in case you’d forgotten) has thrown out the Democratic playbook. No more of the watered-down socialism that Springs GOPsters so disdain — nope, from now on it’s capitalism with a capital “C”!
That’s why the Department of Corrections, long headquartered in our sleepy little burg, has put itself up for sale to the highest bidder. Forget the lefty blather about government of, by and for the people — it’s government up for bid, by the bottom line and for sale. The high bidder wins — the DOC just wants office space, a small up-front payment to show the love and bingo! — the lucky city gets all the bennies associated with hosting hundreds of slothful, highly paid, big-spending government workers.
Sounds like a win/win, doesn’t it?
This is an enormously encouraging development, especially for us. If we’re not the most righteously entrepreneurial city in Colorado, who is?
Not those tax-lovin’ Denver lib’ruls, and certainly not those pipeline-vetoing folks in what was once the steel city of Pueblo. We’ve got what they lack: vision! We fended off every city in America and kept the U.S. Olympic Committee because we knew what they wanted: money.
And make no mistake about it, that’s what the governor and his fellow money-grubbing sharks under the golden dome want: mo’ money.
So let’s not worry about the DOC — we’ve got bigger fish to fry.
For starters, what about the Capitol itself? If we can move a fire station, why not just move the Capitol down Interstate 25 to Colorado Springs? We’ll get the workers, the prestige and the economic development.
And paying off the governor won’t be a problem — we’ll just issue a billion dollars or so in tax anticipation notes.
This new trend in governance is bound to spread like wildfire throughout America — and we’ll be perfectly positioned to profit from it. Google and eBay grew and prospered by creating new paradigms — as we will.
Once we’re Colorado’s capitol, why stop there? There are 49 other states — why can’t they simply move their state capitols to the Springs?
The advantages are obvious — 50 different entities are collecting taxes, passing laws and issuing press releases — why not consolidate? The other 49 states will save money, and we’ll enjoy an era of unparalleled growth and prosperity. Imagine the view from Pikes Peak — a gleaming sea of golden domes, reflecting the morning sun. America the Beautiful, indeed!
Meanwhile, the Chamber of Commerce, demonstrating that it’s part of the reality-based community, endorsed incumbent Congressman Doug Lamborn for re-election. Dog-fighting Doug might not be the most effective congressman in Colorado history (that honor goes to Wayne Aspinall, who brokered the deal that led to the construction of the Fryingpan-Arkansas project), but he knows how to play the game.
Two years ago, he out-campaigned Lionel Rivera, Duncan Bremer, John Anderson, Jeff Crank and Bentley Rayburn and snagged the GOP nomination. His rivals couldn’t believe it — he was accused of running a nasty, negative, even mendacious campaign. That would have been the first such campaign in American history, I guess.
Politics, as we’ve observed before in this space, is a contact sport. And if, as some have suggested, some of Lamborn’s key allies played a part in encouraging Rayburn to run, that’s great. It just means that Lamborn’s smart enough, ruthless enough and devious enough to become a good congressman. Politics has few rules — and, as Satchel Paige once said: “I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation.”
You’ve gotta feel sorry for Jeff and the general. Much as they appear to despise each other, they seem to dislike Lamborn even more. They can’t believe he won two years ago — and they both think (know!) — that they could beat Lamborn in a head-to-head matchup.
They think of themselves as the Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig of Colorado Springs politics — and it looks as if Lamborn has caught ’em looking at a third strike.
Was it a spitter?
Maybe, but you’re still out. Game over.
John Hazlehurst can be reached at or 227-5861.