Finally playing two long-postponed games, the Colorado Springs nine failed to score a single run during 18 innings, playing both LandCo and the USOC at Imaginary Field in downtown Colorado Springs.

While most pundits gave the nod to the powerful USOC team, the Springs had been expected to dispose of LandCo fairly easily. Since the last meeting between the two, LandCo had been riven by internal disputes, and by the off-field problems of star pitcher Ray Marshall.

Long suspected of throwing spitters, Marshall was both feared and despised by both opponents and former teammates. Rumors have swirled around Marshall for months, as anonymous accusers have alleged that he conspired with Colorado Springs manager Lionel Rivera to fix games, and even bet on the results through secret bank accounts. As a result of these allegations, which are reportedly under investigation by Commissioner Dan May, it was though that Marshall’s career had come to a sad and ignominious end.

Neither Marshall nor Rivera have commented on the allegations, although some of their teammates have publicly supported each man. Recent additions Steve Long and John Stinar, both acquired in mid-season to shore up the top of LandCo’s batting order, have been Marshall’s biggest fans and most valuable teammates, coming with game-winning hits and sparkling defensive plays.

Eagerly anticipated by fans of all three teams, the two end-of-season games would decisively affect the standings in both leagues. Two teams would advance to the playoffs-and one would stay home.

LandCo’s Marshall took the mound against a visibly overconfident Colorado Springs team. The leadoff batter, player/manager Rivera, was caught looking at a called third strike, as Marshall threw one of his famous sinkers. Rivera protested bitterly to umpire Mike Moran, but to no avail. Moran pronounced the ball clean, as Marshall smirked at his one-time teammate from the Class D Monument Mudlarks.

Subsequent batters fared no better. Cleanup hitter Mike Anderson seemed to lack bat speed, as he failed to connect on three straight swings. First basewoman Pat Kelly fared no better, hitting a weak grounder back to the mound, which Marshall contemptuously tossed underhanded to first base for the out.

Final score: LandCo two free & clear floors in a downtown building, Colorado Springs zero.

While Marshall, Longand their LandCo teammates celebrated, the Springs had to take the field immediately against the USOC’s fearsome lineup.

Some observers predicted that the USOC’s frequent lineup changes had created a team that, although talented, didn’t have the cunning or guile to defeat the city. That wasn’t the case.

To the surprise of many observers, Rivera had let the trading deadline pass without acquiring any new players. Perhaps, as seasoned sports observer John Whitten claimed, that’s because no one wanted any of the players whom Rivera had repeatedly tried to trade. Fireballing lefty Tom Gallagher has been in the manager’s doghouse for months, and seems certain to leave the team when his contract is up. Kelly, Larry Small, and Randy Purvis are veterans at the end of their careers, and promising youngsters such as Bernie Herpin need a few more years in the league to realize their potential.

Rookie pitcher Stephanie Streeter, in her first appearance in Colorado Springs, utterly overpowered the hometown boys (and girls), throwing a dazzling array of fastballs, tightly-breaking curves, and a particularly devastating splitter to silence Springs batters.

Rivera, who has been criticized for staying with the same lineup throughout the season, stuck to Anderson, Kellyand Scott Hente at the top of the lineup, inserting himself into the cleanup spot.

“That’s an incomprehensible decision” said seasoned baseball observer Freddie W., who proudly wears his own World Series ring, “Rivera can’t hit, he can’t run, and he can’t even see the curveball, let alone hit it. He should leave the game, and get a job at a bank.”

Final score: USOC 53 million, Colorado Springs zero.

It’s about what we expected,” said Streeter, “we came here expecting to score 53 million or so, so we’re happy with the outcome.”

After the game, Rivera and his players dodged the press, scheduling an end-of-season press conference at 4 p.m.

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 31st, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: LandCo, USOC

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As the new USOC deal, like some cawing raven of doom, figuratively flaps from one group of lawyers to another, from one dithering board to another, eventually to settle on city hall, what will we see? With yet more apologies to the restless spirit of Edgar Allan Poe, here’s what we may see.

Once upon a closed session dreary, as Council pondered, bored and bleary
Over many a quaint and curious ordinance and law
While they nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at the council door.
“Tis some reporter,” Lionel muttered, “tapping at our council door -
Only this, and nothing more.”

“Surely,” said he, “surely that is some impudent intruder:
Let me expel the fool, so we can explore -
Let Gallagher be still a moment, and give the USOC more -
It’s taxpayer money-nothing more.”

Open he flung the Council door, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

“Prophet!” quoth Gallagher, “thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether Marshall sent, or lawyers willed thee here ashore,
Tax revenues have shrunk on this desert land enchanted -
On this city by Bruce haunted- tell me truly, I implore -
Must we pay? Wilt thou stay, even without money more?”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

Deep into that darkness peering, council cowered, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming of revenues gone forever;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And councilmembers, promises broken, still sought a reassuring token:
This Small whispered,,barely murmuring, “We have no more!”

“Wilt thou stay? For only love, and nothing more?”
Quoth the Raven: “Nevermore!”

“Lawyer!” said Herpin, “thing of evil - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by the USOC that we adore -
Tell this pol with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
We shall clasp that radiant maiden whom the angels name USOC -
Poor and penniless, we still love her, but we must retain our money

Will we yet clasp her, she whom angels name USOC?”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“You shall have our money, bird or fiend,” Council promised, now voting -
Take it to Stephanie on her sunny Olympian shore!
Leave five rings as a token of the half-truths thy lawyers have spoken!
Do not leave our loneliness unbroken!-take the money beside the door!
Take thy hand from out our wallet, and do not ask for any more!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

The city, like some forlorn, about-to-be jilted suitor, is not negotiating with the USOC-they’re begging. As we’ve often predicted in this space, the USOC knows what it wants, and the city is clearly afraid to challenge the grand poo-bahs of that august organization. Instead, they’re simply scrambling to find a face-saving way of giving their Olympian majesties what they want.

It’s also clear that councilmembers, like so many scrawny hounds frantically digging for a long-buried bone, are utterly fixated on the deal. Is it a good deal or a bad deal? Is it really likely that the USOC and the OTC would close up shop and leave town if they don’t get exactly what they want? Is the pre-recession eco-devo model of “give them money and they will come (or stay)” still relevant? And if we are, as Outside magazine suggests, the best city in the nation, do we need to act as if we’re some nasty, godforsaken burg sweltering through another Midwestern summer?

When the city unveils the deal, we know one thing that it will surely contain: a pricetag. It’ll be a big, fat pricetag, and all those silly little laws that require voter approval of new debt and/or taxes are once again inoperative. Certificate of Participation-not debt!! New fees-not taxes!!!

That may be one of the reasons that our otherwise reasonable electorate has become even more obdurately anti-tax of late. It may be that they’ve figured out that, whether or not they approve taxes at the ballot box (or, in our case, at the mail-in envelope), our elected officials will figure out ways of getting the dough anyway. So we might as well slow ‘em down, or our taxes will be raised…forevermore!

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 29th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: certificates of participation, Edgar Allan Poe, Herpin, Outside, Rivera, Small, Taxes, the Raven, USOC

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If you missed Dave Philipps’ superb two-part series in the Gazette, “Casualties of War,” go to the daily’s Web site and read it.

It’s a thoughtful, carefully researched, and beautifully written account of the violent and terrible lives of soldiers from the 2nd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, part of the Fort Carson-based 4^th Brigade Combat Team. Many of them, returning from Iraq, committed crimes ranging from murder to drug dealing. In one year, Philipps notes, the murder rate for the 500 members of the unit was 114 times the rate for Colorado Springs. It’s a deeply saddening story-and one that we all need to read, if only to better understand the world we live in.

It’s the kind of story that wins Pulitzer prizes, that illuminates and informs, and that delights all of us who work for and/or love newspapers. Like “Final Salute,” Jim Sheeler’s Pulitzer-winning piece in the Rocky Mountain News four years ago, “Casualties of War” shows us what a metro daily can achieve.

Such a story takes time-lots of it. The reporter has to conduct dozens of interviews, spend months researching the piece, and finally write it. Historically, only dailies, with their vast editorial and financial resources, could fund and support such efforts.

But that time has long passed. Dailies, most of them laboring under massive debts acquired by feckless parent companies, have cut editorial staff and transformed reporters into “contentbots,” turning out multiple short pieces, blogs, and video updates every day. Great stories like “Casualties of War” once appeared frequently in Colorado metros such as the Gazette, the Denver Post, the Rocky, and in many other dailies across America.

No more. The daily newspaper culture, once so powerful and pervasive, is disappearing-and with it, the sustained and powerful investigative reporting that newspapers created and nurtured for generations.

What will remain? Blogs, weeklies, and two or three national newspapers? I don’t know-but to see Dave’s piece featured on the G’s front page on Sunday was as wonderful, unexpected, and heartening as…oh, maybe reading that the Rocky was going to resume publication.

But I’d guess that “Casualties of War” does not signal a sudden rebirth of what we thought lost. In the opening paragraph of “The Guns of August,” Barbara Tuchman’s magisterial account of the outbreak of the First World War, Tuchman described the funeral of King Edward VII.

“The muffled tongue of Big Ben tolled nine by the clock as the cortege left the palace, but on history’s clock it was sunset, and the sun of the old world was setting in a dying blaze of splendor never to be seen again.”

The old world of newspapering may never be seen again-but meanwhile, congratulations to Dave Philipps, Jeff Thomas, and the editorial staff of the Gazette. We’re happy for you-and, of course, a little envious!

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 28th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Dave Philipps, Denver Post, Fort Carson, Gazette, Guns of August, Jim Sheeler, King Edward VII, Pulitzer prize, Rocky Mountain News

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Bettina, Warren, Amanda - of course, you’re all correct…except for a couple of points.

Like it or not, Dream City was conceived, organized publicized and pushed by the Gazette.  It is thought of, correctly or incorrectly, as a Gazette promotion. 

And, it might be fair to assume that Dream City might share some of the characteristics of its parent’s Multiple Personality Disorder. 

Given the G’s longtime editorial slant, I’d guess that the paper would oppose most of the initiatives likely to emerge from Dream City. 

Those of us who were around in the 90’s well remember the Gazette’s fierce opposition to TOPS, not to mention the reams of favorable coverage given to Douglas Bruce and the charter amendments and statewide constitutional amendments that he wrote.

But that’s neither here nor there -just a reminder that an apparently friendly old pit bull behind a chain link fence will still bite, given the opportunity.

The larger issue is that of change itself and of the myopia that afflicts those who push for it at any time in the history of a community.

I remember the beautiful Victorian downtown of my childhood, and how it was swept away in a few years-not destroyed by fire, or allowed to crumble from neglect, but torn down by well-meaning, civic-minded folks who wanted to rebuild downtown, to make it modern, shiny, and up-to-date.

What they succeeded in doing was to transform much of downtown into a wilderness of parking lots, conveniently located close to the clubs where the eager youth of our city get drunk, spill out in the streets when the bars close, and fight merrily among themselves-such an improvement!

The businessmen who, with the enthusiastic cooperation of the city (which created its very own ‘urban renewal’ program to fund the destruction of the city’s core), didn’t raze these noble old buildings out of spite - they thought they’d make money and improve downtown.

Careful, modest preservation initiative work (e.g., Dave Hughes’ brilliantly conceived plan that rescued Old Colorado City from the wrecking ball).  Grandiose schemes (southwest downtown?) often die of their own weight, and when revived, transmogrify, becoming the antithesis of what was originally planned and imagined. 

Your eyes, and your ideas change over time.  Decades ago, I thought neon signs were tawdry and tasteless. Today I think we ought to gather up and preserve the remaining historic neon signs, put ‘em all up in one of downtown’s desolate parking lots, and have a Vegas-style Neon Museum. 

So forgive my skepticism - I earned it fairly, and have the scars to show for it.  Doing good things - I’m all for it.  Going to meetings - no mas! Expect maybe only in bad weather, after work, and close to one of my many favorite downtown watering holes.

Especially one that’s close to a parking lot.

 

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 21st, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Amanda, Bettina, Dave Hughes, Doug Bruce, downtown, Gazette, Neon Signs, TOPS, Urban Renewal, Warren

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After months of hype and hundreds of column inches of high-minded rhetoric, the Gazette’s ‘Dream City’ project culminated with a much-touted meeting at Coronado High School. 

Three hundred people showed up - an impressive turnout for an earnest few hours of community-minded heavy liftin’, especially on a radiant Saturday morning. 

I didn’t go - too busy riding my bike, caring for my ancient dog, weeding the garden and riding up to Cripple Creek in our snazzy li’l black roadster. 

The bike ride was absurdly perfect. The roads to and around the Garden of the Gods were  uncrowded, passing motorists were courteous, and the Garden was, as always, transcendently beautiful.

The dog was happy and the drive to the Creek, top down in the mountain cool, couldn’t have been better-and we even won a few bucks at our favorite casino.

So let’s see - I ditched Dream City because I feel like I live in dream city. 

Maybe I’m just a small-town simpleton, but the city seems pretty close to perfect just the way it is.

Most of the people I know, regardless of political affiliation, feel the same way. They complain about the politics of the daily, or about the mayor’s apparent venality or about the incompetence of local governments - but they stay put.

A friend who lives in Kentucky and does business in Colorado Springs put it this way.

“Everyone I talk to in Colorado Springs says it’s a great place, and they never want to leave.  Actually, we’re trying to figure out how to move there ourselves…”

I admire the folks who have worked so hard on Dream City and upon similar, parallel efforts.  They usually preface any discussion by saying “This is a great place, but we can make it even better.”

Can we?  Maybe we’ll just screw it up.  Would you say of the Mona Lisa “Great painting!  But a little touching up would make it even better.”

As the great conservative Edmund Burke once said, “If it is not necessary to change, then it is necessary not to change.”

Perfection, or even near perfection, can’t be improved on.

Although maybe we could paint the Garden of the Gods a fetching shade of pink-those salmon-colored rocks are so 19^th century!

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 20th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Cripple Creek, dream city, Edmund Burke, Garden of the Gods, Gazette

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In case you hadn’t noticed, the Masters of the Universe are back in charge.

Goldman Sachs reported earnings of $3.2 billion for the last quarter. Great and clamorous was the rejoicing among the storied investment bank’s employees, whose bespoke suits were getting a little frayed and rumpled.  By announcing that the bank would set aside $11.8 billion for employee compensation, Goldman made it clear that happy days are here again, and that employees would no longer suffer the indignity of shrinking bank accounts, not to mention surviving on PBR and ramen.

Normally, I’d applaud such news as a sign of a rebounding economy, and a return to the cheerful prosperity that we’d all like to enjoy once again.

But this is a little different.

Goldman can be fairly characterized as the King of the Jungle-the alpha predator.  With its peers, Goldman devised, sold, and profited mightily from the complex derivative instruments that were supposed to stabilize and benefit the world economy, but instead almost brought it down. 

Even Goldman was humbled.  Hovering on the edge of insolvency, Goldman borrowed $10 billion from the Governments bailout fund.  In addition, the bank persuaded the feds to pay AIG’s counterparties 100 cents on the dollar, netting Goldman $13 billion, a sum which, if counterparty holders had been made to bear some of the pain, would have been substantially reduced.

And what did the Feds get for their largesse?  Not much, other than a package of warrants to buy Goldman stock.

The stock’s heading north (up more than 70 percent this year), and of course Goldman, having paid back the $10 billion, wants the Feds to give back the warrants for a relatively piddling sum.

As a company, Goldman manufactures nothing, builds nothing, designs nothing, and creates nothing-except coldly brilliant financial schemes and trading models, which have allowed it to make money in good times and bad.

It’s interesting to speculate how Goldman’s execs would have structured the bailout had the positions been reversed.

They would have demanded, on the government’s behalf, a big chunk of the firm’s equity and an equally big share of any future earnings.

But the Feds coddled Goldman, and its fellow predators.  Like a band of demented uber-environmentalists insisting that cougars ought to be reintroduced to New York’s Central Park, where they could feed upon chihuahuas and the occasional unwary jogger, the Feds bought into the “world financial collapse” scenario.  

So the perps not only walked-the victims paid them to commit the crimes.

Goldman, like its peers, is an organization composed almost entirely of young men and women of risk-taking age. If they weren’t at a trading desk, they’d be doing extreme sports, driving too fast, or free-climbing big walls.  Over 40?  Forget it-you’re outta there.

And if you think that the culture’s too risk-oriented, too sociopathic, or too predatory, don’t worry about it.

By the time things go seriously bad, IBG-YBG.

Meaning “I’ll be gone-you’ll be gone.”

There’s something very uncomfortable about having a government run by patsies, who sit back with goofy smiles and allow Goldman and its peers to socialize the risks, and privatize the profits.

When they make money, they keep it-and when they get in trouble, we bail ‘em out.

Remember Pan-American World Airways, once America’s flagship carrier?  Like GE, or GM, US Steel, it was a company that symbolized America’s world industrial dominance. It’s gone, swept away by the tides of history-allowed, in a different era, to fail when its business model was no longer relevant.

Gold man, like a junkyard dog fed scraps by naive passersby, is baaack-meaner, more vicious, and less communitarian than ever.

As Yeats wrote: “What rough beast, its hour come at last/slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?”

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 16th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: AIG, Goldman Sachs

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“History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.”- Karl Marx

Last week, councilmember Jerry Heimlicher vowed loudly and publicly that, joined by a majority of his colleagues, he would insist that council be updated on the USOC deal in open session.

That didn’t happen. 

Yesterday during the informal City Council meeting, avisibly chastened Heimlicher made only fleeting reference to his former devotion to the public’s right to know,  saying that “the press has reported that we’re within days of a new EDA (economic development agreement), and we promised the public that it wouldn’t be done behind closed doors.”

Assistant city manager Mike Anderson, who introduced himself as “assistant city attorney Mike Anderson,” gave a brief presentation on the progress of the deal.

A grim-faced Anderson characterized the negotiations as “complex,” involving as many as 13 lawyers representing the interests of the city, LandCo, and the USOC.  He noted that the USOC had not yet “staffed this to their board,” and that, since the organization’s board members are dispersed throughout the country, meetings are more difficult to plan than those of city council.

Mayor Rivera chimed in, saying that “I’ve been very cautious (about forecasting the date of a new EDA).  (But) the intention of Scott (Hente) and myself and Mike is to have a very public (process).”

Anderson finished his presentation by, in essence, saying that the “finalized agreement” would be brought to council for a public unveiling as soon as it was…well, agreed and finalized.

Councilmembers, having nothing of substance to talk about, then ruminated at length on what to call the document that they so yearn to see.  “Finalized agreement” sounded too much like a take it or leave it backroom deal-how about “finalized draft”?  Or maybe “coordinated draft?” 

Then, as if actors in Kabuki theater, councilmembers fell into long-practiced rituals, praising city staff, and condemning the evildoers of the media.

Vice mayor Larry Small sorrowfully sympathized with Mike Anderson.

“I see the anguish on your face,” he said, “and I hope when this is over you can go back to looking 20 years younger than your age.”

And councilmember Tom Gallagher’s often-tangled rhetoric reached new highs.

“So we need to mitigate the malcontents,” he said, referring to the ink-stained wretches of the fourth estate, “you ignore ‘em, they just grow and fester.”

“Growing and festering”- that’s us! 

Despite the happy talk, it seems clear that the proposed deal has hit some major snags.  If your mortgage broker tells you that your application is “very complex-but we’re making very good progress,” that means you’re not getting the loan.  If your attorney-or your assistant city manager-looks like death warmed over as he announces that 13 attorneys are working on your “very complex” business deal, you’d better hire a bankruptcy lawyer.

What’s holding up the deal?  We don’t know, but we can guess.

Holdup # 1: LandCo can’t perform according to the terms of the original EDA, but they can prevent a new deal from being done.  It’s simple: pay ‘em, and they’ll go away.

Holdup # 2: The original deal called for LandCo to give the USOC  16 million big ones.  LandCo can’t do it-but the USOC still wants the $-show us the money!!

Holdup # 3: The city is broke, and getting broker by the week.  The usual suspects-El Pomar, the state, local philanthropists aren’t stepping forward.  So where’s the money?

Holdup # 4:  The city doesn’t want anything in writing when it comes to the $16 million-no use getting those unmitigated malcontents all riled up!  The taxpayers just wouldn’t understand…but the USOC wants cash, or a firm commitment to provide the cash at a date certain.  Money talks, BS walks.

Actually, the deal’s simple.  Just find lots of money, and give everybody some!  That’s fine-but don’t ask the taxpayers.

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others” - Groucho Marx

 

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Groucho Marx

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 14th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Groucho Marx, Jerry heimlicher, Kabuki Theater, Karl Marx, LandCo, larry Small, Lionel rivera, Mike Anderson, Scott hente, Tom Gallagher, USOC

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Print newspapers may be, like the Cheshire cat, slowly vanishing. Within a decade or two, the pundits tell us, newspapers will only exist online.

Does this mean big changes? Does this mean that newspaperese will disappear, to be replaced by plain English?

For readers unacquainted with the term, newspaperese is a peculiar subset of the English language. Its use came about because of the characteristics of the printed page.

Headlines had to be brief, yet informative. Two syllables=bad. One syllable=good. Short verbs=good. Long verbs=bad. A print headline has to fit into a small space, and every letter counts. People in headlines don’t praise - they “laud.” They don’t look at things-they “eye” them.

The greatest headlines are short, snappy, and self-explanatory. They may seem easy to write-but they aren’t. Headline writing, like songwriting or poetry, is both a craft and an art. Here are some favorites.

-From the Sun, an English Tabloid, reporting a North Korean nuclear test “HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE KOREA?”

-From the Sun, reporting an attempt by thieves to steal a De Beers diamond at the Millennium Dome ”I’M ONLY HERE FOR DE BEERS”

-From the Harvard Crimson, chronicling the 1968 football game when Harvard scored 16 points in the last 42 seconds. “HARVARD BEATS YALE, 29-29”

-From the New York Post, 1983: “HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR’

-From the New York Daily News, reporting on President Ford’s refusal to give federal aid to a broke New York City, “FORD TO CITY; DROP DEAD”

-From the Daily News, reporting a 1980 state transit rescue package “SICK TRANSIT’S GLORIOUS MONDAY”

-From Variety, reporting during 1936 that rural Americans prefer urban-themed movies “STIX NIX HIX FLIX”

Immortal prose, which will long endure! And it’s clear that newspaperese flourishes on the web- here are some run-of-the-mill headlines which appeared in the online edition of the Denver Post during the last few weeks, with newspaperese italicized.

G8 Summit: Promises to curb warming are vague – 07/09
Hit by fees, Colorado GOP official pushes gas-tax hike< – 07/09
Colorado budget complexity daunts panel – 07/09
Obama takes new tack on finding illegal workers 3 – 07/08
Blagojevich aide vows to testify in plea deal – 07/09
Sen. Penry raising funds, but for which Colorado post? – 07/09
Long-term-care policies urged for Coloradans – 07/07
Penry remains mum on Colorado gubernatorial plans – 07/08
Sebelius lauds Colo. effort with uninsured – 07/07
Angling for a rematch on personhood – 07/03
New Colorado auto fees stir shock, anger – 07/02
Obama touts health care plan – 07/02
Sanford breaks vow to release travel records – 07/02
States in budget quicksand
Two Coloradans take posts with the USDA
Obama hosts gay and lesbian leaders – 06/29
Ruling spurs Ritter campaign appeal – 06/26
Obama condemns Iran’s crackdown, lauds protesters – 06/24
Denver judge shelves donations ban - 06/24

Coming Monday: the lamentable disappearance of “bus plunges” from the pages of daily newspapers.

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 10th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Denver Post, Harvard Crimson, headlines, New York Daily News, New York Post, newspaperese, Sun, Variety

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At His morning press conference, Jehovah, the Lord and Creator of the Universe, announced that He would be forced to exercise His divine will in order to deal with the effects of the recession.

“Early next month,” the Lord said, “I have decided to extinguish approximately 6 trillion stars, as well as more than 4,000 relatively remote galaxies. The energy consumption of these distant celestial objects is staggering, particularly in view of the limited amount of light that they cast upon the earth.”

The Lord said that He regrets that such a decision became necessary.

“I know that this will inconvenience astronomers, astrologers, and people who live far from urban centers,” He said, “But most city dwellers will not notice any difference.”

The Lord refused to comment on speculation that the imminent disappearance of much of the celestial firmament means that the Dies Irae, the Days of Wrath, are fast approaching.

But, He continued, difficult choices confront Him, particularly now as tax revenues decline, and taxpayers are reluctant to pay for any but basic services.

“You may notice that I’ve left the planets and the moon in place,” He said, “they consume very little energy, and the moon’s absence would require major lifestyle adjustments for that part of My creation that is affected by the tides, or ocean currents, or other moon-influenced phenomena.”

“Taxpayers need to make a choice,” he continued, “because, absent an immediate and substantial improvement in the economy, the funds to support hydrogen-helium fusion simply will not be available. I know that this may seem arcane and irrelevant to many of you, even those of you who proclaim your devotion to the Word of the Lord, but, as scientists will tell you, this is the process that powers the sun.”

The choice is stark, He said.

“I’m just your Creator,” the Lord said, “I gave you free will, so I can’t tell you what to do. But you need to understand the alternatives. Without a substantial, across-the-board tax hike, I’ll have to shut down the sun. So it’s up to you: low taxes and minimal government, or the end of all life on Earth.”

“And,” the Lord said as He took on the form of a burning bush, “I won’t be taking any questions at this time. See you next week…if there is a next week.”

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: celestial firmament, Dies Irae, end of world, hyrogen-helium fusion, Jehovah, the Lord

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Readers of this morning’s Gazette were greeted by a front-page note from Editor Jeff Thomas that announced the firing of a summer intern for the grave sin of plagiarism.

According to Thomas, the unpaid “employee” had plagiarized parts of four different stories which had run in the paper. In the single example cited by the editor, an entire paragraph had been swiped from an article that had appeared in the New York Times during 1999.

Thomas fired her - fair enough. He followed up by naming her in an indignant, front-page piece in which he referred to the Gazette’s obligation to cover the news fairly and accurately. No quarrel with that - but why did he choose to call her out by name?

A joke that used to circulate in the former Soviet Union described workplace life in mordant terms: “We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us.”  And Grenadians are wont to say “T’ief from t’ief make God laugh!”

The Dixie Chicks, in their hit song “Wide Open Spaces,” sang of a young woman’s need to find “room to make big mistakes.” Those spaces have disappeared for the young Gazette intern - now, her mistakes, big and small, will follow her forever. 

That’s why I think a little more compassion and a little less editorial wrath might have been appropriate.

The intern’s plagiarism was glaringly obvious - just as obvious as Pulitzer prize-winning columnist’s Maureen Dowd’s pilfered paragraph in a recent piece. 

In a column published on May 17, Dowd lifted about 40 words directly from a column by Talking Points Memo’s Josh Marshall.  Called out, Dowd admitted the theft, made some lame excuse and moved on.

She apologized. She repented, and Marshall was gracious - and she’s still a highly-paid columnist.

I suspect that the G’s former intern will find a career better suited to her than journalism, one in which plagiarism is no vice and originality is no virtue (recognize the plagiarized paraphrase?).  That would be politics, of course-and her role model would be Vice President Joe Biden who, twenty years ago, stole an entire speech from an obscure British pol.

 

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Posted by John Hazlehurst on July 8th, 2009 :: Filed under Blog
Tags :: Gazette, intern, Jeff Thomas, Joe Biden, Maureen Dowd, plagiarism

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