At His morning press conference, Jehovah, the Lord and Creator of the Universe, announced that He would be forced to exercise His divine will in order to deal with the effects of the recession.
“Early next month,” the Lord said, “I have decided to extinguish approximately 6 trillion stars, as well as more than 4,000 relatively remote galaxies. The energy consumption of these distant celestial objects is staggering, particularly in view of the limited amount of light that they cast upon the earth.”
The Lord said that He regrets that such a decision became necessary.
“I know that this will inconvenience astronomers, astrologers, and people who live far from urban centers,” He said, “But most city dwellers will not notice any difference.”
The Lord refused to comment on speculation that the imminent disappearance of much of the celestial firmament means that the Dies Irae, the Days of Wrath, are fast approaching.
But, He continued, difficult choices confront Him, particularly now as tax revenues decline, and taxpayers are reluctant to pay for any but basic services.
“You may notice that I’ve left the planets and the moon in place,” He said, “they consume very little energy, and the moon’s absence would require major lifestyle adjustments for that part of My creation that is affected by the tides, or ocean currents, or other moon-influenced phenomena.”
“Taxpayers need to make a choice,” he continued, “because, absent an immediate and substantial improvement in the economy, the funds to support hydrogen-helium fusion simply will not be available. I know that this may seem arcane and irrelevant to many of you, even those of you who proclaim your devotion to the Word of the Lord, but, as scientists will tell you, this is the process that powers the sun.”
The choice is stark, He said.
“I’m just your Creator,” the Lord said, “I gave you free will, so I can’t tell you what to do. But you need to understand the alternatives. Without a substantial, across-the-board tax hike, I’ll have to shut down the sun. So it’s up to you: low taxes and minimal government, or the end of all life on Earth.”
“And,” the Lord said as He took on the form of a burning bush, “I won’t be taking any questions at this time. See you next week…if there is a next week.”