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Streetlights, parks, lib’ruls – no problem!

Wed, Feb 3, 2010

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So what if those picky lib’ruls at CNN and ABC took advantage of our transitory problems to make us a national laughingstock?  So what if those jealous, overpaid big-city reporters at the Denver Post pointed out a few minor imperfections?  So what if those snarky, aggressive uber-lib’ruls at Colorado Pols made fun of us, speculating that our present very minor, very insignificant dilemmas are “the consequences of anti-government ideology run amok.”

“You wanted to know what Grover Norquist meant by ‘drowning government in a bathtub?'” That’s the question that Pols posed.  Well yes, that would be us!  But just why is it such a bad idea to terminate all of these marginal government programs, such as parks, streetlights, museums and community  centers?

It all depends on how you spin it – and I have to say that the folks over public communications, aided and abetted by the pro-government lib’ruls at the G, or the Telegraph, or the Gazette – whatever they call themselves these days – have only presented one side of the story.

We ought to tell the world in no uncertain terms that these are strong, positive and forward-looking steps that ought to be emulated by every progressive municipality in the country!!

Consider streetlights, for example.

When was the last time you sat in your backyard on a clear summer night and gazed in awe at the Milky Way, at Orion’s Belt, at red Antares, or blazing Sirius?  Fess up –  you wouldn’t know Antares from Antarctica, because you’ve never seen it.  You have no idea what’s in the night sky, because glaring orange streetlights have blotted out the celestial firmament!  Other cities, in thrall to streetlight manufacturers and energy providers, may choose to flim-flam their residents by substituting glowing sodium vapor for God’s majestic creation, but not us!  And let the criminals worry about crime – do the words “night-vision scope” and “laser sight” mean anything to you, Mr. Burglar?  Our new motto: take back the night!

And so what if we’re not watering our parks!  Has occurred to all of you lib’rul global warming believing, sustainable economy supporting, native-fish preserving environmentalists that we live in an artificial oasis here in Colorado Springs?  We try to conserve water in a truly significant way, and you make fun of us.  I know, I know – our parks are going to deteriorate, and all of that Kentucky bluegrass that we never should have planted will dry up and blow away…but we’ve figured out how to solve that little problem.

We’re going with “The Code of the West.”  Remember all those movies and TV shows about the brave homesteaders fighting the evil ranchers and railroad tycoons, ruthless predators who didn’t care about their homespun American values?  In the movies, the little people won .. .but that’s not the way life works.

Only the strong survive.  And that’s why, if we want more water, or more electricity; we’ll just take it. How about sending a few thousand undocumented workers up to Dillon Reservoir, and building a pipeline to our reservoirs, and just taking all the water we need for our parks from those Denver lib’ruls?  They may not like it, but we’re the ones with Fort Carson and NORAD.  You think that Mayor Hickenpooper, or whatever his name is, will risk nuclear attack over a few thousand acre feet of water?  And the same thing goes for Xcel Energy – if we want some power, we’ll just take it!

So here’s the message to Colorado and the rest of the nation.  We’re not some broke, pathetic, delusional little burg in thrall to right-wing, anti-government crazies.  No sirree – we’re creating a new model for American municipalities.

Colorado Springs, the Warlord City, where it’s always darkest just before dawn … and where you can check out, but you can never leave – because you can’t see the street signs to find your way out.

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6 Comments For This Post

  1. George James Says:

    AMEN!!!!

  2. Liam Says:

    “So here’s the message to Colorado and the rest of the nation. We’re not some broke, pathetic, delusional little burg in thrall to right-wing, anti-government crazies.”

    Surely, you jest John.

  3. Aaron Denver Says:

    This is sarcasm—right? Surely no intelligent person can believe that cutting all of these service is ok? After spending 26 years of my youth/early adult hood in CSpgs, I fled to Denver in 2000. The unwillingness of CSpgs to act progressively and move forward with the times has it still stuck in the 1980’s when it was battling for a convention center and other downtown improvements that still haven’t happened. If CSpgs every wants to become a real city–i.e. provide amenities and modern services that may not have yet been invented when Palmer was galloping down the streets, but that are pretty much accepted as reasonable in modern cities–and catch up with the 21st century, then citizens will need to pay a few extra cents on every $10 they spend to make this a reality.

  4. Rick Wehner Says:

    Well. we are, after all, showing up in the press for all the wrong reasons. Diane Sawyer is not just sitting around making this stuff up. Fully expecting the situation with Memorial Hospital to flare up into another mis-handled public relations fiasco at the level of USOC.

    Lack of trust has now been replaced by utter unbelievability.

  5. Bonnie Says:

    Amazing how many whiners we have. As Rahm Emmanuel said we should never waste a good crisis. This is the perfect time to get our city in order. In my neighborhhod we rather like not having our streets plowed and the snow pushed into our driveways. It’s nice not having those polluting sand trucks dropping sand and chemicals onto our streets, where it goes into our storm system and tracks into our cars and homes. There have been no accidents in my neighborhood. Drivers drive slower and more carefully. I think we should keep it this way. This crisis has been an opportunity to discover what has gone on in our city government. We all want equal pay for equal work but do we want to pay our employees more than they could earn in the private sector? If Gallagher can’t make a living in the private sector because his profession causes a conflict of interest should we be thinking about paying our city council more money? We complain about the rich but if only the rich can afford to run for our governemnt offices maybe we should rethink the pay they get. Maybe they should work full time for us. If we have to suffer a little for a year or two maybe we can think of ways to volunteer and chip in for water and do what is right without being a burden on all taxpayers who are in a position of hardship. This is a perfect time to recrute business to our city by showing them that we are tax hawks and they may not get a tax break but they won’t be so worried about tax increases in the future. This is the perfect time to be problem solvers and perhaps our city can be lean, green, out of debt and booming like no other when our economy turns around. Think of our city as a glass half full instead or half empty. Think of all the ways we can improve without the perverbial, horrible tax increases that never are enough and never go away. Let’s make lemonade out of lemons this summer and show tourists, who can afford a vacation, what we are made of. Then we can make sure we get our city on national news as the one who did it right.

  6. John Hazlehurst Says:

    Good points, Bonnie (and everyone!). My sense is that we always manage to muddle through our periodic financial crises, and emerge blinking into the sunlight-if not better than ever, at least better than most. IMHO, the most important news of the day is not the woes of city government, but the possible impending closure of a popular restaurant…read about it here in a few!