So what if those picky lib’ruls at CNN and ABC took advantage of our transitory problems to make us a national laughingstock? So what if those jealous, overpaid big-city reporters at the Denver Post pointed out a few minor imperfections? So what if those snarky, aggressive uber-lib’ruls at Colorado Pols made fun of us, speculating that our present very minor, very insignificant dilemmas are “the consequences of anti-government ideology run amok.”
“You wanted to know what Grover Norquist meant by ‘drowning government in a bathtub?'” That’s the question that Pols posed. Well yes, that would be us! But just why is it such a bad idea to terminate all of these marginal government programs, such as parks, streetlights, museums and community centers?
It all depends on how you spin it – and I have to say that the folks over public communications, aided and abetted by the pro-government lib’ruls at the G, or the Telegraph, or the Gazette – whatever they call themselves these days – have only presented one side of the story.
We ought to tell the world in no uncertain terms that these are strong, positive and forward-looking steps that ought to be emulated by every progressive municipality in the country!!
Consider streetlights, for example.
When was the last time you sat in your backyard on a clear summer night and gazed in awe at the Milky Way, at Orion’s Belt, at red Antares, or blazing Sirius? Fess up – you wouldn’t know Antares from Antarctica, because you’ve never seen it. You have no idea what’s in the night sky, because glaring orange streetlights have blotted out the celestial firmament! Other cities, in thrall to streetlight manufacturers and energy providers, may choose to flim-flam their residents by substituting glowing sodium vapor for God’s majestic creation, but not us! And let the criminals worry about crime – do the words “night-vision scope” and “laser sight” mean anything to you, Mr. Burglar? Our new motto: take back the night!
And so what if we’re not watering our parks! Has occurred to all of you lib’rul global warming believing, sustainable economy supporting, native-fish preserving environmentalists that we live in an artificial oasis here in Colorado Springs? We try to conserve water in a truly significant way, and you make fun of us. I know, I know – our parks are going to deteriorate, and all of that Kentucky bluegrass that we never should have planted will dry up and blow away…but we’ve figured out how to solve that little problem.
We’re going with “The Code of the West.” Remember all those movies and TV shows about the brave homesteaders fighting the evil ranchers and railroad tycoons, ruthless predators who didn’t care about their homespun American values? In the movies, the little people won .. .but that’s not the way life works.
Only the strong survive. And that’s why, if we want more water, or more electricity; we’ll just take it. How about sending a few thousand undocumented workers up to Dillon Reservoir, and building a pipeline to our reservoirs, and just taking all the water we need for our parks from those Denver lib’ruls? They may not like it, but we’re the ones with Fort Carson and NORAD. You think that Mayor Hickenpooper, or whatever his name is, will risk nuclear attack over a few thousand acre feet of water? And the same thing goes for Xcel Energy – if we want some power, we’ll just take it!
So here’s the message to Colorado and the rest of the nation. We’re not some broke, pathetic, delusional little burg in thrall to right-wing, anti-government crazies. No sirree – we’re creating a new model for American municipalities.
Colorado Springs, the Warlord City, where it’s always darkest just before dawn … and where you can check out, but you can never leave – because you can’t see the street signs to find your way out.