Strong mayor, weak mayor-what about no mayor?

Thu, Apr 1, 2010


Colorado Springs, April 1st 2010: A group of local residents concerned about the excesses of local government is pushing a constitutional amendment which would abolish the state, the city, the county, public school districts, and all other forms of government.

“To revolt is a natural tendency of life,” said Mike Bakunin, a spokesman for No Government Of Old Doofuses (NoGoOD). “Even a worm turns against the foot that crushes it. In general, the vitality and relative dignity of an animal can be measured by the intensity of its instinct to revolt.”

Another member of the group, Tom Hobbes said that they oppose all “involuntary” social contracts, and believe that terminating government will free us all, and make Colorado the natural home of liberty.

“We live a brutish existence,” Hobbes said. “We’re engaged in a war of all against all. The government treats us as if we were savage people, bound only by natural lust. We might as well have no government at all.”

Tom Carlyle, who also supports the proposed measure, agreed with Hobbes.

“If there be order,” he said, “let us make it ourselves. We’re living under the Soldier’s Sword; let there be Peace, that the bounty of the Heavens be not spilt; let the Wisdom they do send us bring fruit in its season!”

Hobbes claims that voluntary action can accomplish everything that government now “pretends to do.”

“You’re mad because there’s a pothole in the street in front of your house, or because somebody turned off your streetlight?” he asked. “Fill your own potholes! Pay for your own streetlight! You’re worried that your house might burn down, so you want the rest of us to pay for some fire department to put out the fire? If your house burns down, it’s your own fault. You should have been more careful! And if your neighbor’s house burns down, and the whole neighborhood goes up in flames, tough! It’s like a prairie fire, clearing away dead vegetation so the new can grow.”

Bakunin put its goals in almost religious terms.

“Because we are in communion with heavenly love,” he said, “we feel that we have been ordained for the emancipation of humanity. Absolute freedom and absolute love-that is our purpose.”

But, Bakunin said quietly, this group of local anarchists doesn’t intend to let the outmoded structures of local government get in their way. They’ll do whatever they have to do.

“The passion for destruction is a creative passion,” he said ominously.

The NoGoOD’ers believe that Colorado voters are tired being led by accomplished, successful, community-minded individuals.

“It is the peculiarity of privilege and of every privileged position to kill the intellect and heart of man,” Bakunin said. “The privileged man, whether he be privileged politically or economically, is a man depraved in intellect and heart.”

Bakunin claims to have contacted ‘many’ Colorado residents, who he believes will help.

“Just in one small town, Florence, we were told  that Ted Kaczynski, Dick Reid, and Terry Nichols would be interested in helping us. But for some reason, we’ve had trouble getting in touch with them.”

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5 Comments For This Post

  1. dan solsbery Says:

    So the well to do want a strong mayor for themselves to control. All the while everyone else carries more than their share. Which is the same as now. Change the tax collection to developers.

  2. Green Flash Says:

    Sardonic cynicism. I love it. I’ve heard it said that a cynic is nothing more than a bruised optimist. John, you are black and blue.

  3. Buddy Gilmore Says:

    You know the real solution to this problem is to just lure a well-known politician to the Springs. Someone who has been on TV talk shows lately who seems to have a solution for everything. I’m thinking for instance that Congressman from New York’s 9th District. In fact, we could lure him by offering him up something to recognize all of his time on TV lately – something like the Academy Awards. Yeah – it would have a nice catchy sound – “Oscar Mayor Weiner”

  4. Like it'll matter ..... Says:

    …… April Fool, eh John !

  5. John Whitten Says:

    All humor, be it sardonic, cynical, dirty, or just plain stupid, contains a grain of truth…..which is why its funny in the first place……

    Listen to the message they’re telling us (especially the part about being revolting lustful doofusses)…..kind of a sad comment about our city government: in our case, maybe it is better to have no government, rather than what we have now……

    Of course, these guys have something on the stick, or they wouldn’t have dreamed up this group to begin with….and, Hey, they got the esteemed (or is it steamed?) columnist John Hazelhurst to give’em some press…….I want one of their bumper stickers..

    I hope they’ll vote for the change in the charter….