Colorado Springs, April 1st 2010: A group of local residents concerned about the excesses of local government is pushing a constitutional amendment which would abolish the state, the city, the county, public school districts, and all other forms of government.
“To revolt is a natural tendency of life,” said Mike Bakunin, a spokesman for No Government Of Old Doofuses (NoGoOD). “Even a worm turns against the foot that crushes it. In general, the vitality and relative dignity of an animal can be measured by the intensity of its instinct to revolt.”
Another member of the group, Tom Hobbes said that they oppose all “involuntary” social contracts, and believe that terminating government will free us all, and make Colorado the natural home of liberty.
“We live a brutish existence,” Hobbes said. “We’re engaged in a war of all against all. The government treats us as if we were savage people, bound only by natural lust. We might as well have no government at all.”
Tom Carlyle, who also supports the proposed measure, agreed with Hobbes.
“If there be order,” he said, “let us make it ourselves. We’re living under the Soldier’s Sword; let there be Peace, that the bounty of the Heavens be not spilt; let the Wisdom they do send us bring fruit in its season!”
Hobbes claims that voluntary action can accomplish everything that government now “pretends to do.”
“You’re mad because there’s a pothole in the street in front of your house, or because somebody turned off your streetlight?” he asked. “Fill your own potholes! Pay for your own streetlight! You’re worried that your house might burn down, so you want the rest of us to pay for some fire department to put out the fire? If your house burns down, it’s your own fault. You should have been more careful! And if your neighbor’s house burns down, and the whole neighborhood goes up in flames, tough! It’s like a prairie fire, clearing away dead vegetation so the new can grow.”
Bakunin put its goals in almost religious terms.
“Because we are in communion with heavenly love,” he said, “we feel that we have been ordained for the emancipation of humanity. Absolute freedom and absolute love-that is our purpose.”
But, Bakunin said quietly, this group of local anarchists doesn’t intend to let the outmoded structures of local government get in their way. They’ll do whatever they have to do.
“The passion for destruction is a creative passion,” he said ominously.
The NoGoOD’ers believe that Colorado voters are tired being led by accomplished, successful, community-minded individuals.
“It is the peculiarity of privilege and of every privileged position to kill the intellect and heart of man,” Bakunin said. “The privileged man, whether he be privileged politically or economically, is a man depraved in intellect and heart.”
Bakunin claims to have contacted ‘many’ Colorado residents, who he believes will help.
“Just in one small town, Florence, we were told that Ted Kaczynski, Dick Reid, and Terry Nichols would be interested in helping us. But for some reason, we’ve had trouble getting in touch with them.”