How to run for office in one easy lesson

Wed, Jun 16, 2010


Dave Munger kicked off his campaign for Mayor this morning before a large and enthusiastic crowd at Phantom Canyon. As one might expect, there were press releases, speeches, donation envelopes and the usual campaign paraphernalia.

It all seemed very familiar.

That’s because candidates for local elected office are obliged to follow a soothing, time-tested script, which every successful aspirant has used. So in case you’re thinking about running for mayor, or even for city council, here’s a simple multiple-choice test that will help you craft your own blurb.

1. When announcing, how do you assure voters that you’ll do what you say?
a. You pledge
b. You show your supporters Bobby Brown’s card
c. You say “If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin.”
d. You say “Trust me!”

2. How will you work?
a. Tirelessly
b. Intermittently
c. Monday-Thursday
d. After you get your first paycheck

3. What/who will you meet?
a. Visiting celebrities at the Broadmoor Golf Club.
b. Your girlfriend at Tony’s.
c. Challenges and opportunities.
d. Powerful developers who want preferential treatment.

4. Jobs are:
a. Ok, if they’re easy and well-paid.
b. Hard to find for most of you losers.
c. Priority one.
d. I’m rich, so I don’t have to worry.

5. As Mayor, you will roll up
a. The streets at 2:00 AM.
b. To Cripple Creek and play the slots.
c. Your sleeves.
d. Your trousers, and wade in Monument Creek.

6. City problems can be best addressed
a. At little cost to the taxpayers.
b. Through recommendations from expert volunteer boards and committees.
c. Through responsive leadership.
d. All of the above.

7. You’ll focus on retaining
a. Holger Christianson’s Great Wall of Cascade Avenue.
b. Tattoo parlors and strip clubs.
c. Marijuana providers.
d. Small and medium-sized businesses.

8. Your first mission will be to restore
a. The Mona Lisa.
b. Extended happy hours.
c. Trust in government.
d. Generous early retirement benefits to city employees.

9. If the press release is marred by poor grammar or misspelled words, that’s
a. Important only to elderly nitpickers.
b. A coded message from the Knights Templar.
c. Someone else’s press release.
d. Not something that’s important to the citizens of Colorado Springs!

Don’t expect me to give you the answers. As Mr. Natural once said to Flakey Foont, when asked the meaning of diddy-wah-diddy:

“If you don’t know now, don’t mess with it.”

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